Spring Break

Today is the first day of Spring Break. I've been celebrating by moping around in my pajamas and watching Charmed. =/

Today Omar and I are going to watch a movie. We've been really happy lately (except for a rough patch last night that wasn't necessarily his fault but made me sad). Going on a date with Omar is always wonderful- 100% chance of sunny skies.

I've been talking to Catherine lately, and it's so nice. I feel like we have a lot in common even though she's been through so much more than I've been through. Hopefully I'll be seeing her later this week.

Also, big project is a bummer, but working on it with Justine and Chance is less of a bummer. Even though Chance is a curmudgeon. Yeah, I said it. But I am looking forward to having a fun spring break.

Love to my readers.
Alicia

Fish

Edgar Allen Poe looked up at the sky and wondered why it wasn't bright with stars. If the universe is infinite, there should be a point of light for every point of sky.

When I was younger, I thought it was strange to see dead fish floating upside down beneath the surface of the water. I've seen dead fish in ponds and in the ocean. But it always seemed to me that there should be a layer of dead fish covering the surface of the ocean, rotting on top of it. I understand that fish are eaten by other fish. But what about whales? And sharks? When they're not beached on the shore, do they float along the surface of the ocean? Do they become temporary islands?

Dream

My dream involved Omar's house and family, but my disclaimer will be that they were a differenent house and family, so if you are Omar's house or family, please don't be upset.

There was a note on the wall telling Omar (who was not home yet) that it was his decision whether or not to sell the house (for $200,000). At first, for some reason, I was thinking that Omar and I could live in the house while they moved. And then I realized that wasn't the case. In which case I realized he'd be moving away and selling the house for less than a third of its probably cost. I was pretty angry. And then I realized that his family had been treating him like shit anyway- sending him to the hollocaust (which was a place). Let me explain that further. Omar had cancer at the time. They had to pick someone from the family to go, so they picked Omar, and he spend 8 years in a cell (why why why?). And then they were bossing him around as though they hadn't just sent him off to Hitler for 8 years while he had cancer. I was really really mad. So this asian woman called about the house, and I told her the situation. Okay, she was definitely Chinese. I can tell the difference, why pretend I can't? So, she was pretty appauled, but before I could finish the story, Omar came in, so I told her I'd call her back. But the phone number she gave me was half number, half website, so I could never reach her after that. I angrily explained that they wanted to move, and he decided to tell them no. But no one complained or anything, it was just decided, and that was the end of the dream.

Back to homework for me.

GUD magazine

I've been posting really abstract things lately, so let's get concrete. I am posting this because I am procrastinating. I already let myself sleep in an extra three hours, but what's the harm in a wafer-thin blog to top it off?

My poem "Deadman on the Titanic" is going to be published by GUD (pronounced good) magazine. GUD stands for Greatest Uncommon Denominator. It is my first paying publication! =)

And I've always always wanted to get into GUD. It might as well have been Tin House from where I stand or Fairy Tale Review. I am moving up in the world.

That poem is really special to me, actually. It's the first poem I wrote that I felt really good about. I mused over it for quite some time, wrote it, revised it over and over, and the presented it in Gerald Locklin's poetry class. It made the whole class laugh really hard (in an ordinarilly quiet class), and the meanest kid in the class gave me a backhanded compliment. He said, "It was so good. I don't think you understand why it's good, but it was hillarious." Ugh. Thank you for your expertise. I didn't write it randomly, I had all kinds of undertones I hoped to get across, and while I'm glad he got them, he could have been less of a dick about it. Joke's on him. He didn't get into the MFA, and I did. Also, this poem is getting published and paid for, and vindication is nice.

This was supposed to be a happy blog, where did all this hate come from? I'll stop there. Anyway, this poem and I have been through a lot together. And I'm happy to hand it over. I feel very proud.

A letter to Hope

Dear Hope,
After many long years by your side, it's time to say goodbye. It has been fun daydreaming beside you, breathing in your sweet perfume and thinking maybe, maybe. But I'm tired of waiting for all the possibilities you tease me with. Despair, your siamese twin, follows us wherever we go, and even her presence fills me with fear. While you stroke my chest with your hand, she strokes my back with hers. We both knew this love affair was wrong, that this relationship could only end in pain and wasted energy. The Buddha says to let you go, and I must obey. Goodbye Hope. Goodbye Despair. We have some good memories, but it's time for me to move forward.

Alicia

Bury me here, in the silvery mist

I'm feeling much better now. And I feel like maybe I can explain myself. Honestly, I would like to turn myself off, get through school, start my life (because it feels like it's on hold while I'm here), and figure out what's important to me. I wonder how I still don't know.

I read my nonfiction in class today. It was about Mike. I feel bad because Mike's death makes me feel selfish. I'm more concerned with my own death than his. I'm glad it wasn't my brother or Omar or my mom or dad. That's awful really. And he was younger than me. He died at 21, and I am 21. I feel like I can't live my life like I'm young anymore because someone even younger is dead. He got as old as he would ever be. It's not an excuse really. I don't know what I want. I dont' want to be in school. I want to be Ishmael, but I feel like Ahab. I want to go out to sea, and say fuck you land. Fuck you and all your dwellers. Let me be out here, where my family floated through the generations. Let me be here and alive, where everything makes a deep internal sense and all the confusing trivial problems with life can disappear over the horizon. I wish I was a man. It would be so much easier to ride a boat into nowhere if I was a man.

I will content myself with reading Moby-Dick for now. But Jesus Christ, and satan, and Buddha, I am getting on a boat or in a truck or something anything, and I'm getting away from everything and everyone. Let me be a wanderer. Let me leave. Don't keep me here if you don't want me here.

the zen commandments

I think I'm going to write a story about a man whose legs aren't long enough to reach the ground, so he just walks a foot above the ground... but when will I have time for writing in a creative writing program? I've barely had time for this blog.

I've taken my heart out for this. I've set it down next to my computer, so that the blood pool around it is just slightly touching the edge of the keyboard. Drinking last night has helped quite a bit. It altered my body chemistry so that when I woke up this morning I felt pretty good. No hangover. The sky was bright and blue. The flowers blindingly bright. I walked around. I came home. I pet the cat. I ate at Eggs Etc. with Devin. I made changes to my story. I miss my brother. I don't think I could live well without my brother close to me.

I want a condo and a husky. What I've learned about coveting:

The ten commandments are very similar to the rules for any society. If you are going to make a society, it's important that people don't murder each other or steal from each other. But to covet-

If you covet your neighbor's wife, but won't kill or steal, your neighbor is safe. So why not covet? This part is for you. These things I claim to want are only hurting me because I don't have them. They take up your time and energy, only disappoint you, and keep you from enlightenment. But it's so hard not to. That condo, that dog. American dream? The crushes we have, money, time... there's so much. I need to meditate some more and let these things go maybe. We live in a beautiful world, and I have everything I could want. I have a cat, a family that loves me, I'm dating my best friend, I'm in a writing program and I'm doing what I love, I don't even need to work. I am happy. Longing, craving, coveting. Ugh. There's something missing. But maybe that's the way it's supposed to be. I'll be way less strong in two minutes.

My responses aren't due until Monday. Thank the lord. View blog below.

zendo shmabstract

Blech.
Sets the tone, right?

Anyway, it's only blech because of school. I don't want to write my abstract shmabstract, and I definitely don't want to read and post. I'm already a day late on that one. I really dislike my teaching composition class.

Some good news. Who watches the Watchmen? I do. Or I did. Come talk to me about it, and I will defend Rorschach to the end. Also, I am pretty much officially taking Shotokan now. So I can kick your ass, yo.

In other news, Shotokan is really cheap for me to take (about $13 a month because I'm splitting the cost with my dad- super super cheap), but going to my Buddhist temple in general is $90 a month. Ouch. So I'm trying to work something out, and it looks like I might be the new care taker and live at the temple and take care of it. Which would be so amazing I can hardly think about it. Except I couldn't take my cat. =( But he's happier here anyway. I would like to move out again, but it's very expensive, and I have no one to live with. I would still pay rent at the zendo, but very little. There's a bedroom that they don't use, and someone should be around to water plants, etc. We'll see.

Stupid Shmabstract. I think I'll start reading Charles Olsen first. I don't want to be in school anymore. Definitely no PhD for me. I'm burnt out.

I love you.

Alicia

Trent Reznor won't let me fall apart

beside you in time